“Love everyone, serve everyone, remember God, and tell the truth.”
-Neem Karoli Baba

A little over a month ago I flew to my hometown St. Louis to visit a man who I have know since I was born, my grandfather, Don Francis Kern. A week before boarding the plane, my grandfather aspirated, he was rushed to the Hospital and immediately intubated. The day I was arriving would be day 8 on ventilation and the day they would begin removing the tube. They removed the tube shortly before we arrived and he was responding very well. We walked in the hospital room, and to my surprise he greeted me with the biggest and brightest smile. It is a moment that will play in my heart forever.

The course of the next few days was a bumpy one, full of ups downs, moments of hope and absolute certainty followed by  moments of uncertainty and despair. Because my grandfather was still aspirating on his swallow test, the medical solution was a feeding tube. In respect of my grandfather’s continued wish for no feeding tube and quality of life, Hospice became the next step. This is where my opportunity to serve and share about the magic of hospice came into play.

Hospice isn’t an easy word for most people to hear, but it really isn’t a bad thing. In fact, Hospice is a service that is dedicated to comforting, loving, and serving you in your final chapter of this life. I personally can’t think of anything more sweeter then people who are waiting and willing to serve individuals in their time of transition. It’s not a job nor path for everybody, but it is important we know that it is a service available to everyone.

Honoring my grandfather’s final wish to go home, my grandmother made the decision to bring my grandfather home on hospice. A neat thing about is Hospice is as soon as you say you the words, you are no longer walking this journey with your loved ones alone. You are instantly armed with the compassion and love from strangers, all ready to serve your family and the person transitioning.

My grandfather’s eyes lit up when he was brought home and sat in his favorite chair! His last wish was fulfilled and you could feel the ease and peace in his spirit. Three days later my grandfather passed away with his wife of 50 years by his side,holding his hand and giving him the permission to let go. True love in the purest form, sitting along side your loved one and holding space for them in their time of transition.

I am beginning to believe with all of my heart that there is no greater service then being with someone who is dying.

I haven’t come to the above realization smoothly, in fact I have faced my own deep grief as a result of loosing two very close friends of mine. Amidst the pain and grief, I somehow found my way out and have always managed to hold on to my faith. My granny and I had many conversations of faith while sitting at my grandpa’s bedside, we both agreed it is the one thing that has allowed us to endure all of the obstacles and heartbreak that life brings.

One distinct moment by my grandpa’s bedside that stands out above the rest was when I wiped his dry and pudding stained mouth with a washcloth and time sort of just stood still. There was no judgement, in fact there were no thoughts at all…just love. It was space of timeless infinite love that could be likened to the feeling of absolute grace.

On the return flight my heart swelled with gratitude and I was in awe for the opportunity to be of service in this way again. It seems to get sweeter each time.

“Let us touch the dying, the poor, the lonely and the unwanted according to the graces we have received and let us not be ashamed or slow to do the humble work. ” -Mother Teresa

When we are children, we don’t have to think much about what we will do, we simply just fall into the flow. If we want to dance, we dance. If we want to sing, we sing, and if we wish to go on an adventure, we go!

How are you enjoying your SNOW DAY as an adult? Are you embracing the excitement and seizing the opportunity to work on your creative projects? Are you finding moments to play and embrace the adventure that awaits you?

Sure you might find it silly to dress as a pirate and create a fort (unless of course you have children) but I brought all this up for you to be fearless and have fun on a day that you get to dedicate to YOU!

The only failure is the failure to try and the measure of success is how well we deal with disappointment. We wake up each morning and do our best. That’s all that matters.

A few weeks ago I volunteered to be a speaker at an upcoming meeting for a self-help program that I participate in.  (It’s funny how sometimes your hand raises before your mind has even processed the question.) Well, my hand went up and after the business meeting I was given a topic that, broken down in my research and my interpretation,  left me with two powerful action words: love and compassion. In my research, I read something very potent “Love is essential to this program.” This being a program that helps me show up as the best me I can be in life, I read it as “Love is essential for growth and peace in life.”

So after researching my topic and attempting a few times to sit down and write something, I ended up surrendering and trusting that what I was going to say was not something that could be written down before hand. Of course, that is not my preferred method when giving a talk, but I went with it. I jotted down a couple quotes and picked something to read and considered myself as prepared for this talk as I was going to get.

Today was the talk, so I suited up and showed up with my green tea and a smile, despite the morning dizziness I was trying to shake off. Was it nerves? Perhaps, but nevertheless I had committed to 20 minutes of speaking, sweaty palms and all! Public speaking is something I see myself doing a lot more of in the future, but I must be honest and admit that the thought of it sends my stomach into summersaults!

There I was seated in the chair listening to the introduction of the meeting, having a few silent moments with love and compassion before it was time to articulate in words the best I could about the power of those two words when set in action. In those few moments, I began to feel very inadequate to speak on two things that I may never fully understand, especially to an audience of people that showed me immense love and compassion when I arrived five years ago, broken-hearted and closed to love. During this quick reflection, I realized that the most important thing I can do in my life is to keep opening my heart. My heart was struck with a stroke of grace and I suddenly lost all of my words. 18 minutes into a talk and I felt paralyzed in a space with no words. I looked up at everyone and judged myself for the silence and quickly said “I can’t do this, maybe someone else should speak” and to my surprise the 5o people sitting in this room simultaneously encouraged me to take a breath and speak at my own pace.

With the whole audience mirroring compassion and love, I took a long deep breath and found my way back to the flow of words.

In those few moments I was in the ring with vulnerability and humility like never before, and I chose to stay. My heart was tender and raw and I wanted to run far away, but instead I let the prior stroke of grace flow through my veins. When I took those deep breaths, I thought of something a special friend shared the other day “Vulnerability is a good thing, it’s how we grow.”

Feeling the growing pains and certain that I had failed that talk, I was flooded with comments of gratitude and admiration for my willingness to show up and speak in the midst of vulnerability.

And lastly I leave you with a quote I posted on my facebook a few days ago, which turned out to be exactly what I lived today.

“We all need somebody to talk to. It would be good if we talked… not just pitter-patter, but real talk. We shouldn’t be so afraid, because most people really like this contact; that you show you are vulnerable makes them free to be vulnerable.” -Liv Ullmann

Sometimes in order to remember, we must forget. There are times in our lives when we feel very comfortable and content with the flow of things and suddenly the rug is ripped out from under us. Instinctively we reach for something familiar and comforting, only to realize that an inevitable journey into the land of vulnerability is the next stop on this exhilarating train ride we call life.

Last night I attended an event where my wonderful friend and great healer Roger Ansanelli asked us if we were comfortable and when the large majority replied with a big gloating “yes” Roger added “good, now it’s time to get uncomfortable.” What Roger speaks on often is the idea that we are often limited by our comfort zones and that in order to be stretched and remember who we truly are, we must continue to grow beyond our comfort zones.

The brilliant thing about being stretched beyond our comfort zone is that it provides hope that there is self-discovery and healing even in the darkest moments of life.  Initially when unpleasant things happen in life we as humans are not trained to see the potential and growth that lies ahead of us and we often get stuck in these uncomfortable spaces. When a person is consumed by emotion and tip-toeing around the newly surfaced experiences, be it a death, a serious illness, an accident, loosing a job, a break-up, or a financial crisis, they often forget who they are.  As dark as these moments appear to be, they are also the moments when a person has a choice to become attached to their experience or to be stretched and introduced to someone they were certain they knew very well, their Self. We are continuously changing and to say you know yourself based on who you were even just yesterday is inaccurate. So in order to keep remembering who we are, we must keep forgetting. And we repeat this cycle over and over.

Here is the beauty and magic of it all: Each time you are stretched and remember who you are, you become a bigger house for love, compassion, and grace. The ultimate return to Innocence!

There was once a time in my life when I had myself  believing that in order to be fulfilled I had to be engaged in some drama or situation with another person. I know it sounds completely insane, but that is how I operated in my teens. I sincerely believed that the secret to achieving happiness was lurking somewhere outside of myself. I continuously put myself in unhealthy situations where I could easily assume the hero role, and then later transition into the victim role as I proceeded to blame  everyone else  for my feelings of disconnection with life.

Five years ago I was hooked on pain, thrived on chaos, filled with anxiety,  and I was extremely addicted to relationships. I woke up everyday feeling out of place and I went to bed every night rooted in fear, which I allowed to take me hostage in almost every moment. I walked around like a crazed robot who’s programs were stuck on: life is hard, nobody loves me, I will never be happy, and I can fix you. Like a twirling ballerina, I would spin and spin in those ideas that I believed to be true about my life. So what happens when you can’t stop spinning? Well eventually you fall.

So once again I found myself lying on the ground and looking around in a world where I was certain I did not belong. I carried an overstuffed suitcase of pain and resentment, I had my hands pressed against my ears unwilling and incapable of listening to anything apart from my own cries,  and my body was covered with opened wounds that I had continuously broke open as a result of repeating the same behavior. I had imprisoned myself  in a constant state of anxiety.

Then something shifted inside of me and for the first time in my life, I decided to do things a little differently. In the beginning I had no idea what ‘doing things differently’ really meant, I just knew that the way I was functioning was no longer working for me. I was on the fast-track to death and it was time to step out of the victim role and take responsibility for my life. After identifying my codependency and low self-esteem, I was directed inward to begin the work.

Working on myself was such a foreign concept, but I was committed to exploring this new way of living. I began with the little things and worked my way to the bigger stuff like behavior, reactions, and self-acceptance. As I began to work on myself, the hurt and pain in my life began to transform and I entered into a space of gratitude for all of my experiences up to the moment. I began to be less focused on what was happening outside and more aware and in-tune with what was going on inside of me.

Looking back on this time in my life with my present awareness of freedom, it has become evident that the decision to work on myself is what opened the door for all that I am experiencing now.  By choosing to work on myself, I have moved into a space where I can be of service and fully present for others in my life. You see before when I thought I was being the hero, I was as far from the present as I could get. I have been shown that we don’t help others by doing anything for them, we simply work on ourselves in their presence.

“See how nature – trees, flowers, grass – grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence…we need silence to be able to touch souls.” -Mother Teresa

If you were to tell me six months ago that I would travel to Mexico City and spend majority of my days in silence, I would laugh…a lot!  The traveling part is of course not unusual and rather predictable behavior, but silence is a foreign concept for me!

I have been talking non-stop since I was a little kid, usually with something to say and in the moments I didn’t, I had a sound  to mutter or a song to hum until I thought of something else to say. As you probably guessed I was encouraged by my family to play the silent game often, which of course my stretch of silence never lasted longer than a few minutes (which felt like an eternity). I believed two things about myself as a child ”I talk a lot and I love to eat” and I have carried them onto my adulthood and blurt them out when I am asked to describe myself.

A year ago I prepped myself for what I thought would be a lengthy amount of time spent in silence at an Ashram in India,  which as you know my plans took a different direction. The truth is I wasn’t ready for silence and it wasn’t ready for me. Fast-forwarding to this moment, silence and I have introduced ourselves and have spent long walks together, admired the sunrise & sunset, contemplated everything from the color of nail polish for my toes to global consciousness, sipped tea while daydreaming, consumed lots of delicious desserts, listened to noise, enjoy daily lunches in the City, expressing our gratitude for the food with facial expressions only, gestured  ‘thank you’ to the person directing traffic when crossing the street, and smiled at people we pass on the street. It turns out we have not only befriended each other, we have actually become quite close.

As silence and I explore our relationship and go deeper into this journey together, I have been given lots of opportunities to address patterns and my reactions that lead me out of the moment and most importantly it has allowed me to stand emotionally naked in front of the person that has been with me unconditionally since I came into this world, me. Instead of cringing at the very loud truth of who I am on my good days and who I am on my bad days, my smile has grown each day in admiration for my commitment to take an honest and long gaze at myself.

Sometimes we have beliefs as a child and we carry them with us into our adulthood in anticipation that one day we might go deeper into that belief to see if it’s true. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t, but the important thing is that we have taken the time to look at ourselves and say “I see you and you are the most extravagant person I know, even if you do talk a lot.”

I have learned a lot about myself and I will continue to be open to the lessons that reveal themselves in this quiet time. So far I have discovered that in the mist of silence beautiful things are born and that one of my beliefs reigns true, I really do love to eat!

In the spirit of silence, here is one of my favorite mime videos:

Almost a year ago I took one of my most courageous leaps and boarded a plane to India by myself. That was both the scariest and most liberating moment of my life. I can still see the image of my mom waving goodbye to me as my heart throbbed and I mustered up all of my courage to put one foot in front of the other and board that plane. Once I landed on the other side of the world, I looked out at all of the anxious eyes waiting for their relatives and thought to myself “what the heck are you doing here.”

Believe it or not, one rather commonly asked question from my head to my heart is “what the heck are you doing here”, I know that’s a pretty deep confession for a loyal traveler like me. Most times my mind gracefully fumbles and gets quiet enough to hear my heart whisper “you are here because you are here, now sit quietly and be.”

Now here I sit in Mexico City digesting the aftermath of the rather timely travel breakdown that sparks that inevitable question of purpose. Coming down from the high of anxious emotions, I suddenly become aware of the moment and stillness begins to creep in. My awareness is heightened and I become present to the birds chirping outside the window, the joyous laughter of the neighbors, but the clearest sound is the voice of my heart that has decorated itself in gratitude and is enthusiastically guiding me deeper and deeper into the silence.

I have stretched myself out and I am beginning to make this time of deep silence and reflection my own. I have decorated my sacred inner space with things that make me smile, mantras that give me courage, and practices to keep me growing. Every emotion has paid me a visit and I allow myself to feel each one to the very core of my being, allowing it to be center stage and then watching it ferment in my heart as it becomes love.

You see the magical thing about travel is, eventually you will find yourself in a quiet space and will meet one of your greatest companions, yourself.

“Be at peace, set your heart in flight again. For the light is truth. The light is you”

1. Successful patterns of behavior;

2. The certainty that comes from experience;

3.  Routine familiarity with our surroundings; and

4. A bureaucratic culture. trav

Edison said it this way, “You cannot put a price on the knowledge gained by children when they are allowed to see something with their own eyes, such as a cocoon breaking open and a butterfly emerging.” Fostering a “beginners mind” is a important step toward continuous innovation.”    -Steve Jobs

After almost three weeks in Mexico, the best way to describe this experience is to call myself a ‘beginner’. On the morning I left for Mexico, I boarded the plane confident that I was an expert in my language, culture, and all of the knowledge I had acquired up to that very moment. A few hours hours and a change in climate later all of that shifted. I became a beginner.

Once the plane landed, I reached for my guitar and glanced over at the flight attendants with an excited and somewhat nervous smile. The three flight attendants asked me about my visit and if it was my first time to Mexico, in which I confidently responded “no”. They then proceeded to ask if I had been to Mexico City before, and I responded “no” , to which they assured me that I was in for a new experience. Not really sure how to respond, I told them that visiting new cities and countries is what I like to do. Quite confident in my last statement, I had quickly forgotten the feeling of being a beginner until I was nudged back into that space when the flight attendant tapped me on the shoulder and said “your tag is still on your shirt, are you leaving it there on purpose?” At that moment, I knew this trip was going to be a grand lesson in humility.

This weekend I attended a workshop conducted in Spanish and though I didn’t understand most of what was being communicated verbally, I was committed to being in that space. At the end of the workshop I described myself as feeling like a 3 year old in terms of my verbal comprehension.  I shared that being in a new place with a new language & culture  is perfect for me in this time in my life. I continued to explain that some moments I can be quite narcissistic and a big know-it-all and that this was the perfect place for me to learn humility.

There is something very magical about not-knowing & feeling very child-like. At the workshop I discovered that I can take this ‘beginner’ or ‘child-like’ mind and allow it to be apart of everything I do. At the moment I saw the endless of possibilities of more joy, courage, creativity, inspiration, and freedom. I sighed and thought to myself “wow, this could be a wonderful thing if I allow it to be.”

So here I am, back to the beginning and embracing every moment of it!

“In the beginner’s mind there are many possibilities, but in the expert’s mind there are few”  -Shunryu Suzuki

Beginner Me at age 3

Once again I found myself in the driver seat pretending to have control, but clearly spinning in circles. Chuckling in amusement, the Universe looked over at me and said “are you ready to let go yet?”

Sure you might suspect that a freedom traveler like myself has the whole surrender thing down, but that is so far from the truth. For me in this particular lifetime, surrender is not an enlightened space that I will float off into for any long period, it is more about the series of moments when I’m spinning and by grace something shifts. In these moment the heaviness is lifted and momentary stillness rushes through my body, as if every cell is being recharged. I find my breath that I have held for days, my shoulders relax, my mind quiets, and my heart tingles with a familiar shower of intoxicating love.

One of the reasons why I am so attracted to travel is the  the inevitably regular practice of surrender. As Paul Theroux states “One traveler’s conceit is that he is heading into the unknown. The best travel is a leap in the dark. If the destination were familiar and friendly what would be the point in going there?” I have yet to find a way to enter into the intriguing unknown or leap into the dark without surrender. This act of surrender doesn’t always come right away, especially on my stubborn days, but I am aware that the only way to go deeper into my heart is by surrendering.

Whether or not surrender comes when I am standing in India outside of a broken ATM with a return ticket for the wrong day or when I am being swallowed up in fears of a new relationship…I am grateful for it’s timely arrival.

For me taking the leap into the unknown is not about where I land, it’s about the decision to let go and fall.

“The bad news is you’re falling through the air, nothing to hang on to, no parachute. The good news is there’s no ground.” -Trungpa Rinpoche

Recently I was engaged in a conversation about my past and current adventures and the question of “how do you do what you do?” arose. My most immediate response when asked this question seemed to be pretty appropriate, I smiled and said “I just wake up everyday and have fun.”  There was no profound moment such as being struck by lightening or a near-death experience, I simply grew up with parents that have always encouraged me to not take myself too seriously. Honestly,  I can’t think of a lesson more valuable!

So the conversations carry on and usually in a subtle way I am asked “how do you pay for all of that?” which is usually followed by the most commonly used phrase  “I would travel if I had money.” At this point I usually quote Paulo Coelho, as he has even answered this mysterious question for me.  “Travel is never a matter of money but of courage.” I couldn’t agree more with that statement! We limit ourselves in life by insisting that things require a whole lot more and a bigger price then we will ever achieve. Silly isn’t it? I agree with Paulo, you can do anything with courage.

And then my favorite and the most comical question is usually asked “are you a trust-fund baby?”  I think my new answer will be “yes, that trust-fund comes from the Universal Bank of Magic.”

Today I was reading ‘love, freedom, aloneness’ by Osho and the following excerpt couldn’t have explained any better why I do what I do. It also sums up the name of this blog, Enjoy!

“Man is born with a tabula rasa, a clean slate; nothing is written on it. You have to write everything that you want to write on it; it is going to be your creation.

Man is not only free, man is freedom. That is the essential core, that’s his/her very soul.

Once this is understood, that man is born as freedom, then all the dimensions open up to grow. Then it is up to you to become and what not to become; it is going to be your own creation. Then life becomes an adventure- not an unfoldment but  an adventure, an exploration, a discovery. The truth is not already given to you; you have to create it. In a way, every moment you are creating yourself. “